I've been a loner my entire life. Not one chill homie. Not now. Not in high school. Not in college. Never. So weekends don't hit for me the way they hit for normal people.
And I think that messes me up more than I admit. Cause the whole structure of regular adult life is built around the weekend being the payoff. You grind Monday through Friday cause Saturday and Sunday are coming. The plans. The brunch. The kickback. The road trip. The bar. The girlfriend. The friend group at the lake. Whatever. That's the carrot at the end of the stick that makes the stick bearable.
Most people don't even like their jobs. Be honest. Most people are miserable at work. But they push through cause Friday at 5pm is gonna come and then they get 48 hours of being a human again. That's the deal. That's the trade.
I don't think it's actually a healthy way to live. Renting out 5 days of your week to dread so you can afford 2 days of fun. That math is wild when you say it out loud. But it works for most people cause the 2 days actually deliver. The reward shows up.
Mine doesn't.
Friday hits and there's nothing. Saturday is just Tuesday with worse lighting. Sunday is the day everybody else is dreading the week and I'm sitting here thinking I been dreading every day equally for years. My calendar doesn't have a peak. It's a flat line.
No plans to look forward to. No group chat asking what's the move tonight. No homies texting tryna pull up. No girl to take somewhere. No holiday dinners where you actually wanna be there. No "we should hang this weekend" turning into actual hanging. Just me. Doing the same things. Time blurring together cause there's no edge between work days and off days when nothing is happening on either.
And the worst part is this also kills the motivation engine. Cause if Saturday isn't a reward, then why grind Monday? What am I grinding toward? The motivation system most people run on doesn't even work for me. Reward not found. Try again.
So I gotta find a different engine. Cause the weekend one ain't there for me. Probably never will be at this rate. Maybe it's grinding for the work itself. Maybe it's grinding cause if I stop I'll fully lose it. Maybe it's grinding cause I'm scared of what staying still feels like. I don't know yet. Still figuring it out.
But I'll say this. The next time you're at the bar with your homies Saturday night just appreciate it. Just sit with it for a second. That feeling of laughing with people who actually pulled up for you. That's the reward you spent the whole week earning. That's the thing some of us don't have and would trade a lot for.
Don't take it for granted.
it is what it is twinski.