I'm just not built for life. I literally cannot do life.
Chronically depressed. Autistic. ADHD. The realest loner in the universe. Pick a combo. Whatever it is, it's not built for whatever this is. I get so bored. I get so sick of everything. I get so insane just sitting in my own head that I can't do anything. I can't move. I can't start. I can't keep going. I just sit there.
And I genuinely wonder how the fuck people make it past 30 years old. Like how. How do you wake up day after day after day and keep doing this. How do you not lose your mind. How do you not feel the weight of every single second crushing you. How do you have the energy. Where does it come from. Who's handing it out and why did I get skipped.
I been had a life crisis since I was 15. Going insane ever since. And somehow I'm still here. No dopamine. No motivation. Nothing firing in my brain. Just empty. Just running on fumes that don't exist. Running on negative fuel. Running on whatever is below empty.
And I'm still alive somehow. That's the crazy part. I don't even know how. My brain is broken. My motivation is gone. My will to do anything is at zero. But the body keeps showing up. Why. For what. To do what.
How do people even do life. Genuinely. What is the trick. What is the secret. What is everyone else seeing that I'm not. Because from where I'm standing this game of life sucks ass. It's boring. It's painful. It's repetitive. It's lonely. And then you die.
I get bored too easily. Like instantly. Everything bores me. Every activity. Every conversation. Every hobby. Every game. Every show. Every place. I touch it for 5 minutes and I'm already done. Already over it. Already looking for the next thing that I'll also be done with in 5 minutes.
And I sit there and I wonder. What the fuck are 8 billion people doing throughout the day. Like actually. What are you all doing. What is keeping you going. What is making you get out of bed. What is making you motivated to exist. To eat. To work. To talk. To plan. To care. What is it. Where is it coming from. It's insane to me. It's actually insane.
Is it just me. Am I the only one. Am I missing the thing everyone else has. Did 8 billion people get the manual and I didn't. Because I cannot wrap my head around how everyone else is just out here doing it. Day after day. Year after year. Without losing their minds.
This has to be just a skill issue at this point. I lost to natural selection. Survival of the fittest and I'm not the fittest. I'm the one that gets weeded out. I'm the one that doesn't make it. I'm the one nature looks at and goes nope, not this one. So I guess I must die off.
That's how it works right. The strong survive. The weak don't. And I'm clearly not built for this. So.
It is what it is.