Being on the internet when you're at the bottom of the game of life is hard. Like genuinely hard.
Because what's the popular stuff on the internet. It's people sharing their lives. It's people doing well. It's people vlogging their morning routines in their nice apartments. It's people showing off their new cars. It's people on trips. People at dinners. People with their friends. People living the life I want and don't have.
And I'm happy for them. I really am. I'm not one of those people that wants others to fail. That's not me. If you're winning, win. Good for you.
But I'm also human. And my natural emotion when I see all that is to feel down about myself. Because it reminds me. Every single post reminds me. Of how trash my life is. Of how far behind I am. Of how I don't have any of that. Of how I probably never will.
It's not jealousy exactly. It's more like a mirror. Every video. Every tweet. Every clip. Every story. It's a mirror held up to my own life going hey look at what you don't have. Hey look at what everyone else is doing. Hey look at where you are right now.
And it's hard to come off the internet in a positive happy mood after that. Doesn't matter where I go. YouTube. Twitter. Reddit. Twitch. Instagram. Tiktok. Doesn't matter. It's the same thing everywhere. People winning. People sharing their wins. People living. And me sitting there watching all of it from the bottom.
I know I should just log off. I know that. Everyone knows that. But the internet is also the only thing I have. It's the only place where I'm not just sitting in silence with my own thoughts. It's the only escape from being alone in my room. So I keep coming back. Even though it makes me feel worse.
It's a trap. The thing that distracts me from how bad my life is is also the thing that constantly reminds me of how bad my life is. I lose either way.
It is what it is.