Here's my problem.
I get emotionally attached to people way too fast. The second I think somebody might be a rare chill mf I latch on. Like a leech. Not in a loving way. Not in a romantic way. In a dependent way. The kind of attachment where I'm wondering about every little thing they do with their life when no normal human would give a flying fuh.
Like I'll meet somebody. Vibe with them for two conversations. And suddenly my brain is running tabs on them like they're a research subject.
What's his morning routine. How does he actually work hard. How is he making money. How does he not feel the pressure of society pressing down on him every single day like it does on me. How does he deal with boredom. How does he sit in his own room without going insane. What's he eating. Is he reading something. What's he watching. Does he have homies. Does he have a girl. Does he ever feel what I feel or has he figured out something I haven't.
And it's not flattering attention. It's not "wow I admire you." It's more like I'm tryna reverse engineer a human being. Tryna crack the code on how somebody else is functioning so maybe I can copy paste their operating system into my life. Cause mine ain't working.
That's the dependent part. I'm not attached to them as a person. I'm attached to the idea that they might be the answer. That maybe being around them or studying them or being close to them will fix whatever's broken in me.
And then the dropoff comes. Every. Single. Time.
Two weeks in. Three weeks in. They show me they're just another bot in society. Same scripts. Same surface level convos. Same chasing the same shit everybody else is chasing. Same allergic-to-real-conversation energy. Same can't-meet-me-where-I-actually-am vibe. The chill mf I thought I found was just somebody who hadn't fully shown their NPC dialogue tree yet.
And I'm back at zero. Back to alone. Back to my brain looking for the next candidate to obsess over.
This is a sickness fr. I gotta be honest with myself about it. Normal people don't do this. Normal people meet somebody, vibe a little, move on with their life, and don't think about that person's morning routine a single time. They don't sit there wondering how that person doesn't go insane. They're busy living. They've got their own thing.
Me? I'm out here cataloging strangers like I'm writing a dissertation on how to be a functioning human. Cause I haven't figured it out and I keep hoping somebody else has.
And maybe that's the real bug in the system. Not that they turned out to be bots. But that I needed them to not be. I put the weight of my own answer on people who never signed up to carry it. No wonder they buckle and turn out fake. They were never gonna be what I needed cause what I needed wasn't even fair to ask.
I don't know how to fix it yet. Probably gotta sit with that for a while.
it is what it is twinski.